First question: can you envision a time when football will be played by robots?

What? Er, God – on a computer game, yeah. But for real? I don’t think the powers that be would let it happen.

We see you’re getting good at the Alan Shearer – style answer…..

Ha Ha! He is probably the most famous for the “diplomatic” answer. But ask any players who’ve played with him, and they’ll tell you the same: away from the cameras, he is the biggest practical joker in the world. He’d be the first one to cut your kit up before a game, or fill your trainers with shaving foam. Just to goes to show: its always the quiet ones.

Is he the biggest joker in the dressing room?

Paul Gascoigne was probably the funniest. I wasn’t in the squad for long with him, but he’s a real character. Jamie Carragher’s a great laugh too – but there’s a lot of different cultures at Liverpool these days, and not everyone finds things that he does funny. His flatulence, for instance – a few of us laugh, but a few of the foreign players will just…….well. growl.

Who walks around with their tackle out?

Ha Ha! Apart from me? I think there are too many rumours about other players anyway – I won’t start new ones.

That’s alright: John Terry does that later on. So what music inspires the England team?

For me, singing the National Anthem always fills me with pride. It really does. And I still haven’t met anyone who’s visited Liverpool and says “You’ll Never Walk Alone” doesn’t send a shiver down their spine. But during the 1998 World Cup, it was Lionel Richie. We had a jukebox in our hotel games room, and the only decent CD was his Greatest Hits. So, me, Paul Merson and Rio Ferdinand would put it on all the time – it really kept us going!

A lovely image: you three smooching cheek-to-cheek to “Three Times a Lady”

No! We were playing pool and computer games, never dancing!

So, how do you think we’ll do at Euro 2004?

I think Euro championships are just as hard to win as a World Cup. There’s no Argentina or Brazil, but everyone’s tough nowadays – playing any Scandinavian side is now a big tie, for instance. Having said that, I’m really confident. We can’t harp o all the time, saying that we’ve got one of the best teams in the world – we’ve got to prove it! There’s no excuse now.

You’re not the tallest striker in the world – have you ever considered boots with springs in, or stilts?

No – I’ve just practised. A few years ago, you’d probably have said “You never score with your head” So I did a lot of practise on leaping and jumping and explosive movements in and around the box.

Been learning any clever tricks to use on defenders?

I’m a striker – I get things done to me. I’m the punch bag up front: I get kicked up in the air and can’t complain. It’s these defenders – as soon as you kick them back, they start crying!

So do you get bad sledging on the pitch?

What?  - When it’s snowing?

Duh. No – people slagging you off on the pitch.

Not really. Football’s not like cricket: you can’t take your time and ruffle people up. You’re out of breath half the time. So, instead, they’ll pinch you or pull your shirt or grab you in some way. Foreign players are the worst, without a doubt.

Anything else that puts you off? What about things being thrown onto the pitch?

Of course objects thrown are dangerous. But the weirdest thing I heard about was in Spain last year, when a pig’s head was thrown at someone. I don’t know who cut it off – I wouldn’t fancy doing it. But you wouldn’t know which one to kick, would you: the ball or the pig.

No worse from opposition fans at Anfield? You did, of course used to be an Everton fan….

I’ve supported Everton since I was 11, but I wasn’t like a lunatic. And not so much now. Ask Gerrard, McManaman, Fowler and Carragher – they all were Everton supporters, but after a few thousand Blues fans sing horrible songs about you, you don’t want to support them anymore.

Shame – I’m a Toffees fan myself.

Was it you who slated me the other day then?

We should move on – not much time left. What’d be the first anecdote in your memoirs?

There are too many stories in football that you could never repeat, that you could never, ever say – in case of upsetting somebody else or another player. I’ve got plenty of memoirs in me, but plenty that I couldn’t say in fear of….

Libel action? Investigation by the police?

Exactly

Okay. Is it true you’re given a free car by jaguar every year?

Well, they are one of my sponsors.

Are they just stacking up outside your house? Do you have any spare?

Ha Ha! If you hadn’t asked me stupid questions. But you blew it your chances with that first robot question!

Interview by Chris Bell